A.) Dorota tried to get Blair to look at the bigger picture. And she did not appear to be surprised when Blair pulled out what appears to be a cowbell as her summoning device. That woman’s a saint. Seriously — how is a Dorota worshiping thread somewhere not absolutely booming with people ready to sing her praises …

B.) Humphrey looking at his phone disappointed that Blair hasn’t messaged him made me want to vomit. Remember when you barely tolerated her Humphrey? Let us return to those days, shall we?

C.) I’d forgotten how dull Raina was. So dull that she doesn’t receive a plus or a minus.

D.) That cigar jacket that Chuck is wearing is very Hugh-Heffner-esque. LOL … But he’s hot no matter what.

E.) To the press clamoring for Serena’s comment as to whether or not she has any information: Serena never has any information. She rarely knows what’s going on in her own life. She has a new love of her life every other week. She supposedly goes to Columbia, though we haven’t seen her there. About the only information she can give you is how to hail a cab and how to bat your eyelashes for a free drink. I love the girl … But info about even the things closest to her is not her forte.

F.) Chuck: “Give Lily my love.” Awww … So sweet. It’s so important for him to develop this parent type relationship. For the first time ever, he’s seeing someone truly parent him, taking a fall partially for his own good. He’s also seeing someone of power that he respects own up to major mistakes. This is a huge turning point for him. While he is surrounded by all this chaos and confusion, he is going to come out an even better man for it, with wisdom and, even more importantly, love and respect.

G.) What is Lily doing looking at her mugshots? Comparing and contrasting between the ones from her teenage years to now?

H.) Last episode, I asked how many of the Van der Bass Humphreys had been (intentionally or unintentionally) a drug mule. This week’s episode: How many of the Van der Bass Humphreys have been in jail? We’ve got Chuck, Serena, Lily, and Dan for sure. And how many should have been in jail for something at some point or another?

I.) Oh c’mon William. Let’s not actually pretend you give a damn about your kids. Where were you when Serena was on the news for having been drugged to high heaven and then left alone in a motel? Or when Eric was having drug issues? Or where were you when Serena left for boarding school? Or when she thought she killed Pete? … Who invited this character back to town? Because his arguments are thinner than Dan Humphrey’s little black book, which is basically a napkin with Serena, Georgina, Olivia and Vanessa’s phone numbers on it.

J.) You’re right, William. A step-father isn’t the same as a father — at least not in this case. Let’s face it, for as much as Rufus sometimes annoys me, he’s more a father to Serena and Eric than William ever was. Or German Klaus or Danish Claus for that matter. The only other step-father that was close to the kids, or at least tried, was Bart. That’s right William — Bart Bass out-fathers you, William. You’ve hit rock bottom and I don’t think you’re ever gonna float back up, so get outta town.

K.) Oh, good. CeCe is now going to step in to try and be the ringmaster of the Van der Bass Humphrey Parental Circus. She’s about as qualified to give parenting advice as I am to jump through a ring of fire.

L.) CeCe’s comment about the mugshots is hilarious. I think she should hang both Lily’s sets of mugshots up next to some finger painting or clay hand prints from when she was in elementary school.

M.) CeCe: “Oh, darling. Oh, you look lovely in your mugshot. It was smart of you to turn yourself in so you could make sure your hair was done.” Thank you, CeCe Rhoades for the your commentary on the bigger picture. Everyone knows the most important thing about getting your mugshots taken is to make sure your hair looks good. I know that I personally make sure I get my hair blown out before I go do anything where there’s the slightest chance of me ending up in jail, just so that I look pretty. (Not.)

N.) If the Rhoades-Van der Woodsen women are modern day royalty, I guess that officially make Rufus a modern day court jester.

O.) What does Eric know about Dan that we don’t? When has he ever alphabetized something as a sign of stress? And who alphabetizes their books as a sign of stress? I thought I was the only loser who did that … Schwartz, you got a PI on me or something?

P.) Eric: “I’ll take your secret to my grave, but laughter is an uncontrollable bodily response.” Well, Eric and Dan, you may both be in luck. Eric may actually laugh so hard and be simultaneously having a heart attack that he can laugh his way straight into the grave, and no one else ever has to know.

Q.) Eric’s comment about Dan kissing play: “Wow, didn’t see that coming.” Yea, neither did most of sane Gossip Girl fandom. And we wish it had never come to fruition.

R.) Dan: “She just walked away, stunned.” Don’t flatter yourself, buddy. I don’t think it was a good kind of stunned. I think it was the kind of stunned that has you walking away to go make appointments with many psychiatrists so you can get not one, not two, but three opinions, a change in medication, and then see if you can get a neurosurgeon to boil your brains, just to disinfect them from whatever virus had to have seeped in there to make you malfunction so poorly.

S.) Read the signs, Humphrey. She left you there. She walked away. She didn’t call you back. She isn’t effing interested. Stop pining for her. It’s even more pathetic than when you pined for Serena. She’s got her priorities right: “The only thing lamer than dating Dan Humphrey, is mourning Dan Humphrey.” (Blair to Serena from 2x01)

T.) See that look on Eric’s face? See the trembling of his hand as he points at Dan and asks if he really likes Blair? See the fear? Notice how everything around them got suddenly still? Now that is a VERY accurate portrayal of how Chuck and Blair fans have been feeling. Way to go, Eric. You expressed our sentiments perfectly.

U.) Eric: “You are ass-backwards crushing on Blair Waldorf!” I love you Eric. I seriously love you. Thank you for being an excellent representative of the emotions of Chair Shippers everywhere.

V.) Blair thinks she has consumption? What, was she on the Oregon Trail for the hiatus? Because I think that’s the last time anyone ever got that.

W.) Blair: “This isn’t about work or time Dorota. It’s about the truth. Something happened recently that revealed my future, and I’ve been hiding ever since because I don’t want to deal with it.” Look at our girl B growing up and and at least admitting to these things. Stay tough, Blair … And way to go for owning up to things you never have before. This is a young woman — not a scared teenager — ready to be with the love of her life.

X.) Epperly on Blair: “What with your impeccable taste and masterful way of giving orders.” Spot on, Epperly, spot on.

Y.) Whoa! Chuck got Epperly in on the scheme to get Blair. I gotta say, I did NOT see that one coming. And Epperly saying “She’s up to the job, just like you knew she would. But why go to these lengths?” Chuck sees Blair like no one does. And no lengths are too far to get back someone you love.

Z.) Chuck: “Someone told me something that made me want my own legacy, not my father’s. I can’t convince Blair of her place in it until she’s feeling powerful again.” By George, I think he’s finally got it! (And if you read my Save the Butterflies, Save Chuck and Blair. post earlier, you know that this is INCREDIBLY important to their futures together.)

AA.) Whoa. Carol’s, uh … Something. Whoa. That’s my first impression …

BB.) Carol: “I’m not the one who ruined this family’s honor.” OMG … Who is this chick, coming in here like she owns the place and handing out fighting words like that.

(First commercial break happens here … Yep, I went through the entire alphabet, plus two of a second one …)

CC.) Serena: “We may not be toxic, but comparing us to the plague is a little extreme.” LOL …

DD.) Quarantined, Serena? No. Signed up for some psychological trials? Probably.

EE.) And now suddenly Carol and Lily are going to get unitards and dance around the house reenacting their audition to be Solid Gold Dancers? I’m sorry, I thought I was watching Gossip Girl, not the three ring circus. We’ve got CeCe taming the lions in Will and Rufus, Eric performing mind-reading trick based on alphabetization over in Brooklyn, we’ve got Dan as our clown-with-a-Volkswagen, and Serena and Charlie walking the tightrope of the Upper East Side whereby Charlie is supposed to learn what the UES is really like just by … shopping? What’s next? Vanessa getting eaten by a Tiger while Blair cracks the whip and eggs it on? (Not that I’m arguing …)

FF.) Epperly: “Nope. Chuck Bass is representing is family all alone.” Well played.

GG.) Epperly: “Everyone has a soulmate … I know you believe in true love, too.” Chuck has got this girl coached well. I wonder how much she’s getting paid …

HH.) Carol: “The Rhoades sisters are still bad-asses from the Valley.” Whatever you say …

II.) Lily: “Rufus! We found legwarmers. … No, I’m not drunk.” I gotta say, I think my reaction would be a little like Rufus’s.

JJ.) Dan’s voice when he asked Chuck what he was doing at the loft was positively panic and terrified. Lonely Boy knows that Chuck has long owed him a few shiners, and he would be totally justified in making good on those IOUs right about now.

KK.) Chuck: “I’ve learned some information that’s making me reconsider my future. My future with Blair. However, my intel indicates that she’s seeing someone else.” The look on Dan’s face is priceless. The reason they aren’t showing him from the waist down is because he is peeing his pants.

LL.) Dan: “A life-changing kiss might not be something you wanna mess with.” Don’t get all up on your high horse over there, Lonely Boy. A writer like you should know better than to assume to much and take things out of context.

MM.) Dan to Chuck: “With you, she was always caught up in schemes and take-downs. But that’s not really her.” I’m sorry … HAVE YOU MET BLAIR WALDORF? That has always been Blair — before Chuck, during Chuck, and after Chuck. Period. Let’s not pretend that Dan has actually managed to get the weasel out of the Waldorf. It’s laughable at best, and absolutely unbelievable and vomit-worthy at worst.

NN.) Chuck: “You care more about Blair’s happiness than I knew. Thank you for your time.” He so freaking knows right there. You can just see it in his face. And now, he must leave so that Dan can go change into some fresh pants, now that he’s evidently peed himself out of fear.

OO.) Dan’s cocky look at Chuck as he left made me want to scream.

PP.) Is Carol manic? One moment she’s crazy, the next moment she’s fun, the next minute she’s all bent out of shape over some shopping and family heirloom. Ridiculous.

QQ.) I love that Eric sensed right away that this “Up and Comers” part of the Modern Day Royalty thing was a scam. How could Dan actually think he’d be included in that? Lonely Boy’s new nickname should be Gullible-Wanna-Be-Royalty Boy.

RR.) Dorota: “I don’t think Dan Humphrey will know difference.” That’s our Dorota — calling it like she sees it all the time. Thank the powers that be for Dorota’s wisdom in a flurry of panic.

SS.) Blair (with disgust): “Dan Humphrey? What are you talking about?” Good girl.

TT.) Blair: “It wasn’t an affair. Just a kiss. Which made me see how much I wished it was with Chuck. … We can build our futures together, and if Chuck is my prince, why kiss anymore toads?” HALLELUJAH! Now we finally know that our B didn’t actually have a lobotomy. Get it girl!

UU.) Dorota: “Humphrey more labrador than toad.” Amen, Dorota. Amen.

VV.) Rufus: “I think the point for Will is to always to something for himself.” Good call Rufus.

WW.) And now, we’ll take a brief second to pan to the Nate-Raina storyline, however out of place and boring, where we will once again see way too much of Tika Sumpter’s chest, and not enough personality out of either of them. Ho-hum.

XX.) Dan’s “I’m here to get my photo taken” pose was laughable. The look on Blair’s face only made it better.

YY.) Blair: “This isn’t a photo shoot for a high school yearbook. There is no ‘Up and Comers’ section. And even if there were, let’s face it Humphrey, you wouldn’t make the cut.” Notice the disdain in her voice. And if you crack your windows and listen really carefully, you can hear the voices of thousands of Chuck and Blair fans cheering all over the world, regardless of time zone. Finally, Blair — our Cinderella — realize that this pumpkin never really was a magical carriage. Just a pumpkin. Nothing more.

ZZ.) Dan isn’t an ‘Up and Comer’ — not for a book, not for New York, and absolutely, positively not for Blair. “You didn’t make the cut,” Blair says — and that statement applies to the book and for her.

AAA.) The look on Blair’s face when she realizes Chuck knows is a little heartbreaking.

BBB.) Major props to Serena for doing the right thing and uncovering some scandal of her own. It’s nice to see.

CCC.) When Blair tells Chuck that kissing Dan made her realize she wanted to be with him and Dan had that “Crap, I lost,” look on his face, suddenly, everything seemed a little better. My nausea that I’ve had for weeks disappeared. My ears didn’t hurt as bad. My headache was gone. My sinuses seemingly clearer. It all makes sense: I was physically ill over Blair and Dan.

DDD.) Blair: “Dan and I both know it meant nothing. Less than nothing. Right?” Thank God.

EEE.) Blair: “This looks like the dress Diana wore the day after she became princess.” Chuck: “It is. I wanted you to wear it in the photo with me.” AWWWWWWWWWWWW! That just melts my little black heart …

FFF.) Social experiment gone wrong. That is a really good way to sum that up.

GGG.) Dan: “Blair, your prince is out there waiting for you. It might not be me or Chuck, but he’s out there.” Blair: “Your princess is, too, if you’re ready for her.” And then we see Serena in the background … Yes, yes, yes! This is how things should be. No more social experiments gone wrong. Let’s grow up and start talking about real relationships and viable endgames.

HHH.) And Vanessa is down in the corner like a little rat listening in on the conversation. Why am I not surprised?

III.) Gossip Girl: “Poor lost Prince. What’s the point of having a kingdom if you have to reign alone.” Too true … Get it together Chuck — your princess might seem out of reach, but if you can pull it together quick, you’re still the front-runner. We all know it.

JJJ.) We all know Vanessa isn’t lying just to mess with Serena. She acts all heroic and everything, but she’s just thrilled to have something to say and feel like she means something in this world that she absolutely does not belong in. She’s not trying to stir the pot. She’s just trying to be relevant. But she never has been.

KKK.) I was missing Jenny for the family photo.

LLL.) Gossip Girl: “Who you travel with can be more important than your destination.” Chuck and Blair need each other as partners-in-crime and co-pilots. Period.

MMM.) Enter Louis. Another useless plot device.