'Gossip Girl' recap: The Truth About Charlie
http://tvrecaps.ew.com/recap/gossip-girl-season-4-episode-22/

Was that the finale of Gossip Girl or a fever dream I had brought on my wicked allergies? Holy Alexander Wang!!! That was a lot. I mean there was deception (Hi Charlie), suicide attempts (Hi Charlie), and even celebrity cameos (Hi David O. Russell). And we said goodbye to Vanessa who jetted off to Spain but not before doing (and saying) some truly ridiculous things. My question is: Will we ever see Jenny Humphrey again? I’m guessing not until the series finale. Or until Little J purchases all of the ripped tights and bad hair extensions in Hudson and needs to pay a visit to the island of Manhattan. What will come first?
Vanessa and Serena continued their very brief truce in the effort to find Charlie before she went full-throttle wacko. So apparently Charlie pulled a Single White Female on her last roomie and it did not end well. Hmmm. Who could have predicted that? Oh wait—me. But the best part was that Serena continued to wear an elaborate ball gown throughout all of this drama, despite her trip home. Like she couldn’t quick change into a pair of Current/Elliot jeans and a standard boob-baring blouse?
At the party, Dan just seemed to kind of wander about until he finally ran into Nate who seemed equally lost. Then, they talked about what a big kook Charlie turned out to be. Ah fun times. Ace detective Dan Humphrey finally realized Charlie Crazypants was on the dance floor, doing the Lambada with a dude and a bottle of vodka. Is that really surprising she parties like a drunken Tri Delt? I mean she is from Florida after all. Also much like a Tri Delt, Charlie turns out to be a mean drunk and shoves Dan out of her way kinda similar to how Teresa Giudice manhandled Andy Cohen at the Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion last year.
So Charlie disappeared and we were short one loon but then Georgina showed back up at the Constance party and the balance of Crazytown was restored. Frankly, I missed the bitch. She’s sooooo much fun. I vote for her to become a regular next season or at least come back more often. This show needs more villains. Apparently, Georgina has been living the life of a Stepford wife and is bored out of her mind (her actual words: “I haven’t been this bored since I believed in Jesus.”). She begged to be involved in the search for Charlie but no one wanted her on their team; it was kinda me in gym class when they were choosing dodge ball teams. Sniff.
Once they arrived at the party, Vanessa then abruptly left to go look for Charlie and Serena continued to work that awesome dress at the party. She ran into Headmistress Queller (hanging with a cameo-ing Cecily von Ziegesar) who basically told her she was a disappointment although not quite as bluntly. Such a supportive school! Also, when did Serena exhibit such promise? After she accidentally helped that dude overdose? Anyways, Serena finally found Charlie upstairs in one of the reading rooms looking like she was ready to jump out the window. But Serena talked her down of course. Naturally, after being talked out of suicide, Charlie only wanted to talk further about Serena and wondered whom she would have picked between Nate and Dan. Maybe we should take this girl home and get her medicated instead of playing The Dating Game?!
Meanwhile, Dan went back to Lily’s apartment to look for Charlie. Oddly, Vanessa checked out the Brooklyn loft and of course snooped around. She found Dan’s manuscript for his book about the Upper East Side. Favorite detail: Serena’s pseudonym was “Sabrina.” That Dan is one talented dude. I hope Vanessa’s book name was Navessa or something equally hilarious (“As Navessa steamed me a café latte, I began to think…”K). Vanessa called Dan and said that he MUST get this book published as it was “the best satire of the Upper East Side since Bonfire of the Vanities.” Oh lordy. Then, the two got into a huge fight and Dan basically told her his life got worse after Vanessa appeared on his fire escape. So Vanessa took the book and ran out of the loft. Um can we discuss why this woman has keys to that apartment?
Later, she ended up at a publishing house where they were equally amazed by the book (For realz?). But she took Dan’s name off the byline and ordered the publisher to send all checks to her new address…in Barcelona!!!!!! Adios, chica.
Chuck eventually figured out that Blair had been kidnapped by Russell Thorpe and lured to the still-under construction hotel. He and Raina and Nate arrived just in time to save Blair but I gotta say that it was the least exciting hostage situation I’ve seen in a TV show. Although it was probably the best dressed. Instead of returning to Louis immediately, Chuck and Blair weirdly decided to grab a drink and chose to crash a Baz Mitzvah. Okay sure. But the weirdest moment was when Chuck and Blair did the Hora to Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep.” This is where my fever dream theory began to manifest. Then, the two hooked up! At a bat mitzvah! Again, fever dream?
While it seemed like it would once again be a love story between the pair, Chuck ended pushing Blair to stick with Louis. He rather maturely decided that just because they were passionate that they didn’t necessarily belong together. Boo. No fun Chuck. I have a feeling this will all change come next season.
So by the end of the episode, there was a slew of crazy developments. Let’s talk about my favorite: Serena’s exodus to Hollywood. While she was just supposed to be staying with Cece in Montecito, Serena ended up meeting some cute guy on the boardwalk who was developing Fitzgerald's The Beautiful & the Damned for David O. Russell. Cue a cameo by the director of The Fighter himself!! Again, I wasn’t on NyQuil—this was all real right? So O. Russell offered Serena a job because she was…beautiful and sorta damned. Sure. That seems about right.
Blair decided to spend the summer sailing all over with Louis and said that she was planning a November wedding (perfect for sweeps!). She and Dan will continue their bizarre sorta romance but solely through their love of film. I still have zero idea what happened to that storyline. Weren’t we all SOOOO excited for Dan and Blair? Really disappointing. Oh well.
Dan and Eric appear to be hanging together in the Hamptons while Chuck and Nate are gonna go on an epic bromance trip.
But the big, big twist was that Charlie went back to Florida…but not to visit her mother. It turns out that wasn’t even Charlie—that was some con artist named Ivy who was hired by Carol to impersonate her daughter and apparently steal a lot of checks. Girl, that household is full of Lanvin, YSL, and McCartney and you steal checks? Bad choice. So we NEVER even got a chance to meet the real Charlie. How weird?!?! And yet cool at the same time!! Plus, before she left New York, Charlie and Georgina sorta bonded over their mutual maliciousness. Charlie even got Georgina’s digits. Does that mean both nutjobs will be back next year? I’m thinking yes!

Gossip Girl Recap: Maybe We’re Growing Up After All

http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2011/05/gossip_girl_recap_21.html

"It's only been two years since we left here," Dan Humphrey observed wearily, "and it feels like twenty." He was gesturing toward the halls of Constance Billiard, the high school where his story as Lonelyboy began and the setting of last night's two-part season finale. But he might as well have been speaking about the show itself. The Last Episode of the Fourth Season of the Greatest Show of Our Time felt in many ways like it might have been written to end the series, what with the many This Is Your Life moments (such as the return of Georgina Sparks and Blair's old minions Izzy and Kati), the wry references to episodes past, the wrapping up of story lines (including the revelation that Dan has been secretly novelizing his observations of the Upper East Side for the entire time we've thought we've "known" him), and the meaningful departure of its most marketable star to none other than Hollywood. But last week, Gossip Girl was renewed, and now our characters, and the actors who play them, must face a more realistic fate. They must, as Chuck Bass put it, mature. They must solider on in the face of uncertainty, knowing the end will come, but not when or how.
For that, our Faithful Reality Index awards a Plus 20 up front. And now, let's get into the details.

Realer Than a New York Bar Mitzvah Being So Huge and Full of Strangers No One Notices Two Random Well-Dressed Interlopers:
• Blair faces a variation of a choice that all women must make: between the guy who is nice and treats you well, and the jerk whom you have great chemistry with, but who may sell you to his uncle for a hotel if it's better for him. Plus 10.
• Nate’s not really that weirded out by Charlie’s “Call me Serena” thing. It probably happens to him all the time. Plus 2.
• Eric: “Wait, just tell me that no one’s trying to stop a wedding, run a Ponzi scheme, give anybody fake cancer, or turn into a justifiably vengeful townie.” No one would ever pull this line off in real life, but Eric did as best as one could, so wash. (Meanwhile, it should be noted that when this line was uttered, Intel Chris said, “There was never any Ponzi scheme!” And Intel Chris’s boyfriend, who only sticks around long enough during each episode to eat some Dumpling Man before hiding in the bedroom, said, “Yes there was, that socialite was running one.” That’s right — Poppy and pre–Social Network Armie Hammer! Touché, boyfriend.)
• Of course Blair’s former minions would remember what Serena wore to cotillion. Plus 1.
• "You got hot," Izzy says to Eric. "I'm still gay," he responds. "That means you can dance!" says Kati. Plus 2.
• Before Dan even says boo, Georgina says, “Oh, I can tell you’re up to something. Please let me in on it, I haven’t been this bored since I believed in Jesus.” Plus 1.
• Georgina’s romantic story of meeting her husband was: “He needed a hot wife to impress his partners and I wanted a loft and a legacy at Yale for Milo. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go get drunk enough to make you all seem interesting.” Plus 10, and plus another 5 for the fact that her husband doesn’t even really react to this.
• Okay, Amy Chua lives in New Haven, but we’ll give a plus 1 to the Tiger Mom reference in the context of Headmistress Queller.
• Charlie: “Why did you lead me on for weeks only to tell me you didn’t like me. Is that something you learned from Serena?” Girl is drunk, but her punches land. Plus 5 for that line, and another plus 2 for using the waiter as a human cannonball.
• Even though Charlie is hanging out an open window threatening to kill herself, Serena can't help getting a little self-satisfied smirk on her face when she tells her it's because she knows she'll never be as awesome as her. Plus 5.
• Serena's apology to Dan and Nate is totally egomaniacal. She has to have both of them there, and a witness? Plus 5.
• Charlie's suicide attempt is immediately forgotten as Serena's romantic issues take center stage. Plus 2.
• Okay, that’s not the original Headmistress Queller, but that was DEFINITELY CECILY VON ZIEGESAR, the writer of the Gossip Girl book series!!! Plus 50.
• It’s so funny how the little Daily Intel avatars attacked Serena for not ending up with Dan or Nate, just the way we would! Plus 2, especially for the line, “So which did you end up with, the billionaire, or the one who tried to kill you?” Well, when you put it that way …
• Wow, the gems continue: “I used to want to be like you, but now I want to be like Blair. At least she’s going to be a princess.” Plus 3 for recognizing how the show has turned.
• Georgina: “I’d say I’m great — I mean, look at my hair, my body, my clothes? But I’ve become a Bedford wife, and it’s really just the worst thing.” Plus 5 for the introduction of a term we will use again.
• Georgina “sped up the process at a hospice to get someone’s apartment.” Plus 2. And her plans include “the badger,” “the melon drop,” and “the Spanish prisoner.” We know these lines are just to make us laugh, but they’re pretty good. Does she get her own writer? Plus 5.
• Ohhhh! Raina pulled the old “I forgive you! Slash, ha-ha, you’re going to jail!” move. Georgina would call that “the Two-Way Sphincter.”
• Even in their cute moment together at the bar mitzvah, Blair can’t resist making fun of Chuck for liking Meet Joe Black over Death Takes a Holiday. Plus 2, paving the way for us to realize there may be room for Dan after all.
• Pretty much every single line Georgina has in this episode is gold. She tells Serena: “If Milo isn’t in trouble in seventeen years, I’ll have done something wrong,” just before directing her the wrong way down the hall. When Serena follows the opposite of her advice, Georgina calls, “I miss you! You get me!” (Also, it was fun when Charlie said, “You scared me!” and Georgina said, “I get that a lot.”) No more points, but recognition given.
• Chuck and Blair’s playful scene at the bar mitzvah was a much-needed and genuinely sweet reminder of why these two actually love each other in the first place. As they bounced around on chairs hoisted by the guests, their faces radiated a joy and playfulness that we haven’t seen since they were playing sex games in season two. Plus 10.
• Blair’s goofy dancing is really bad, and in that way, real. Plus 2.
• Vanessa’s mantra is that you can’t be an insider and create good art. You have to stand alone and observe it. That’s why she’s outsided her way right off this show. Plus 1.
• Serena’s been single for, what, four months? And she’s acting like she’ll be alone forever. Plus 3.
• Eric is going to Sarah Lawrence. Hahahahahaha, aw. Plus 2.
• Dan has done his research and wants to be introduced to Charlotte Casiraghi. Plus 2.
• It appears that Chuck is pointing to Russia or Eastern Europe for their summer jaunt. No points, but excellent.
• When Nate said, "Well look at that, Chuck Bass maturing," while sloppily lifting a glass of Scotch to his lips, we briefly caught a glimpse of what Old Nate might look like, when the edges blur, the hair thins, and the middle softens. No points, but wow, sometimes this show really makes you think!
• The lame outrage in Dan's comeback to Vanessa, "When are you going to realize that I had a better life until you climbed up my fire escape four years ago?" is perfect. Plus 3.
• Serena thinks that she’s finally chosen herself for the first time, when in reality her whole life consists of choosing herself. Plus 2.
• We checked in with Simon & Schuster’s Jonathan Karp, the editor Vanessa brings Dan's manuscript to, on he reality of his scene, which was "a lot of fun," he told us. "I wasn't sure how I'd done, so I was relieved to see I hadn't been replaced by Ashton Kutcher." The scene was shot on set in Long Island City — Karp's actual office in midtown doesn't really have his name embossed on his door. But other than that, "I was amazed by the verisimilitude, right down to the Post-It notes," he told us. "Those are real Simon & Schuster books in the background. I highly recommend Little Bee, by the way." So Plus 5 for that. Would he really consider publishing Inside? "Dan seems like a promising author," says Karp. "We would give him every consideration." Plus another 3.
• Hey, it's David O. Russell! Plus 5. And plus another 2 for getting him to put on that awful suit!
• If only this show put as much work into realistic details like Serena's three-weeks-on-the-beach tan and bleached eyebrows. We can't wait to see the sun wrinkles they put on her for next season! Plus 3.
• WOW. That was a pretty good twist with Ivy-as-Charlie, on-drugs, not-on-drugs, etc., etc. Explains away a lot of things we deducted points for before, too. Plus 40.

Total: 214

Faker Than the Continuing Fallacy That Serena Can Read at All
• The last time Charlie went off her meds, "she ended up wandering through the snow in her bare feet," Serena says. "Yeah, after she Single-White-Femaled her college roommate," Vanessa responds. This is clumsy exposition, not least because Single White Female came out in 1992. Wouldn't the roommate-stalking reference point of kids this age be ... The Roomate? A-ha! Clever. But we caught you. So Minus 3 anyway.
• They would never have the Airborne Toxic Event play at an alumni event for adults. Minus 5.
• It seems like Eleanor would be much harsher to Chuck after everything, and not just be like, “It’s time to let her go.” Isn’t she tired of all this by now? Minus 2.
• Why would Blair have gone all the way to Brooklyn to stop Chuck from jumping off of a building on an anonymous tip without CALLING him first? And how on earth would she get there from the Constance party before her mother even got to it — from her house a few blocks away? And why wouldn’t Blair call the Prince on her way to let him know she’d be late — we know she has a cell phone, she called from her pocket. And why was she sitting in that chair like she was tied up if she wasn’t — does Russell have a gun or something? All he appears to have is … a Zippo lighter. And why doesn’t anybody CALL THE POLICE? Minus 100.
• For a deeply sensitive boy whose life was basically ruined by Georgina, you’d think Dan would have a more serious reaction to seeing her coming at him in a party dress. Minus only 1 because, well, she did look hot, and Dan loves trouble.
• Okay, the way that Eric slowly waved his Motorola Verizon video phone across the screen made us want to retch. Is that why these people never had smartphones before? Because they couldn’t find a sponsor? Minus 2.
• How exactly did Charlie get away with dancing with an entire bottle of vodka in the middle of the dance floor? Minus only 1, because the answer to that question could just be: “rackage.”
• Headmistress Queller thought that going to Brown in Providence was going to be like “seeing the world”? Minus 1.
• What kind of raw construction site has functioning gas pipes that you can just turn on? That will fill an entire building with explosive gas in minutes? Minus 2.
• Blair has Chuck as her “No. 1” in her BlackBerry speed dial. But isn’t No. 1 the number you usually press to go to voice mail? Minus 1.
When you stop a man who has set a gas leak inside a hotel in order to kill someone for vengeance, you don’t make it out of the police station looking as unruffled as Nate and Raina. And you certainly don’t make it out in time to go to a bar mitzvah. Minus 3.
• Plus, Blair is dying to be a princess, she knows she's already on shaky ground with Louis and that he's waiting for her. No way would she go for a “drink.” But minus only 2, because as any scientist can tell you, adrenaline does have the side effect of making you want to fuck Ed Westwick.
• What 13-year-old boy would want Adele to be playing at his bar mitzvah? Minus 1, because those D.J.'s are under strict control.
• Chuck and Blair’s reunion is that the bar mitzvah scene was pretty much antithetical to their relationship. It was joyful, it was silly, it was utterly non-sexual. That, of all things, would not have made her fall for him again. Minus 10.
• Charlie finds an open window and stands in it, waiting to be found by the exact right people. We honestly can't tell if this should get a minus or a plus. On the one hand, that's ridiculous — if this show is to be believed, people are always tumbling into empty rooms to have illicit sex, so there's a good chance someone else would have found her. On the other hand, girl knows her targets well. So, wash.
• Vanessa says that Dan’s book could be the “best satire of the Upper East Side since Bonfire of the Vanities.” Oh, please, like she’d admit to reading Tom Wolfe. Minus 2.
• Okay, WE could see Louis approaching Blair and Chuck in the background in a wide open hallway. Surely Blair could, too. Minus 4.
• Everyone on this show is so quick to mistrust, betray, or just flat-out turn against their best friends and relatives. And yet everyone immediately sees the best in Charlie? Minus 3.
• How come none of these people ever get summer internships? Or plan for their summers more than one week in advance? Minus 4.
• Okay, as amazing as it was that they got David O. Russell himself to do that painfully acted cameo, that setup was ridiculous. Serena hasn’t read the script, so she couldn’t possibly help compare the book to it. And that assistant would have been reading the book on Kindle or Nook. And nobody would offer Serena a job on sight unless the “job” involved flipping bedsheets, not pages. Minus 30.

Total: 176. Even with the ridiculous Thorpe/Charlie plotlines stretching believability — not least because how can so many things possibly be accomplished during the span of one party? — this episode of Gossip Girl came out on the side of reality. Why? We can't explain it, except to say that the greatest loves are the craziest, and such is our love for Gossip Girl. See you next fall, Upper East Siders! (We hope!)

By: Chris Rovzar and Jessica Pressler

http://gawker.com/5802639....=recaps

Gossip Girl Season Finale: Goodbye Love, Hello Lover
Richard Lawson — Well, the twenty-third season of Gossip Girl has come to an end and everyone has scattered for the summer. Blair is off to Monaco, Serena to California, Dan (and Erik….) to the Hamptons, and Nate and Chuck to god only knows where. Let's see how they got there.
We began in medias res, the Constance Billiards Academy party in full, terrible swing and Blair captured by the mad Chicago warlord from Spin City. Will he kill our brunette heroine? Almost assuredly so! Meanwhile, Serena's cousin Chuck Charlie has been jilted by Dan and Blair's prince waits for her sadly with his mother, his champagne going flat, his heart slowly flattening. Where is Blair??? everyone wonders.

Blair is stuck in Chuck's new Brooklyn hotel, all exposed pipe and beam, held hostage in a small room with a drunk and dangerously despondent Russell Thorpe. Will she escape? Will Charlie Chuck come to rescue her?? Oh of course he will. But first he has to find her.

So he ran up to Dan at the party just as Serena and Vanessa, begrudging teammates on the Charlie hunt, did too, so the whole group stood there (Nate ran up to Chuck after he ran up to Dan to tell him that Avery knew that Raina knew about how her mom got burnt down) and Dan just sorta mumbled and stuttered while everyone shrieked at him about their problems. To make matters even more complicated, the wicked Michelle Trachtenberg, bored and married in the suburbs now, showed up to stir the pot and try to sadly butt in on the action. I'm not sure how Dan became the go-to guy for solving crises, but it's a role he takes as seriously as a lingering look from Erik. Which is to say very seriously.

"OK team!" he said. "Chuck, you go to the Empire to see if Blair's there. Nate, you stop your girly whining and go with Chuck. You can whine to him on the way. Serena, you search every inch of Constance Billiards for Charlie. Vanessa, you go away and die because nobody likes you, and Erik you go wait for me somewhere sexy. Ready… break!" So they all ran off to do their tasks, leaving a jilted Michelle Trachtenberg standing alone, farting softly into her satin dress, the party dull and droning around her.

Earlier Charlie had been dancing around the party, swilling vodker and dancing with befuddled old men, but now she was gone. So Serena looked everywhere — under tables, behind potted plants, in cabinets and cupboards, even in Headmistress Queller's private ether lounge. Speaking of Headmistress Queller, while Serena was on the hunt, the ethered-up old lady approached her and said "Serenaaa…. How are you? How is Providence?" And Serena was all "Oh, right, I was supposed to go to Brown. Well, I took some time off and then I decided to go to Columbia instead." Queller frowned, a bit of spittle dribbling out of her mouth. "Oh dearrrr. I had such high hopes for you. I thought you'd see the world, but I guess not." Wait, Quells. We're still talking about Providence, right? Is Providence "the world"? I mean, there's WaterFire and the Providence Place Mall, and I guess you could go to a PawSox game, but other than that… It's not really "the world." And is Columbia some stink-school for sad losers now? I think Queller should lay off the ether a bit and get her mind right. But even though these were clearly the drawled ramblings of an ether-mad woman, Serena took them to heart. She really hasn't done much of anything this past year and that kind of stinks. But, there was no time to deal with that now! She had to find Charlie. So she turned around to continue the search and ran smack into two annoying younger gossip girls who were all "Wait, you didn't end up with Nate or Dan? You're a loser. A straight up sad weirdo loser." Serena was all "Well, I did sleep with the teacher whose life I ruined and we had gross skeleton sex together, so there's that…" The girls huffed haughtily (is there any other way to huff, really?) and strutted away. The fuck was going on? Why was everyone being so mean to Serena the perfect?

Well, as it turns it out it was so she could have a true heart-to-heart with Charlie about how she's not actually perfect. Sort of. Yeah, after some needless interference from Michelle Trachtenberg, Sereenz found Chaz up on the top floor of the school, about to jump out a window or something. "Nooooooo!!!!" Serena yelled in a manly bellow. Charlie turned around and launched into a sad tirade about how Serena is perfect and every girl wants to be her and every boy wants to be in her and Serena shook her head and said "You could have that too." Hahahaha. Bitch didn't even deny it! She was just like "Yup, all of those things are totally true, but I'm going to placate you and say that those things could be true of you too, even though, let's be honest here, that is not the case." Classy, Serena. Stay great always.

Charlie, who had suddenly and magically sobered up, was all "Oh, OK. Sorry I stole your dress. Let's be besties again." Nice breakdown! Short and sweet. So the two new best cousins sauntered downstairs and Charlie said "Oh, you know what, I'll catch up with you, I just need to make a mysterious and secret phone call in the middle of a party of hundreds of people." Completely used to such behavior, Serena said "OK, cool. Catch you on the flipsies!" Charlie dialed a number and said "You were right, it worked perfectly. See you later." Hmmmmmmmm. Then Michelle Trachtenberg walked up behind her and was like "I don't think you are who you say you are. And I don't think you ever even needed pills." Charlie smiled a strange smile and that was that, for now…

Meanwhile Chuck didn't find Blair at the Empire and Nate was still squealing apologies at him so Chuck wheeled around and planted a firm, hot kiss right on Nate's lips to shut him up. "Nate. It's OK. Don't worry about it. It's cool." Nate, blushing, nodded his head and fell quiet. Good thing too, because just then Chuck got a phone call from Blair… ‘s pocket. Yes, stuck in the abandoned hotel, she managed to speed-dial his phone number and say "Russell, you have me trapped on the third floor of the hotel in a strange room and you are going to burn me down unless Chuck comes to rescue me." She was telling Chuck where she was, not Russell!! "Clever girl…" Chuck said and it was off to Brooklyn with Raina and a still rock-hard Nate in tow.

Chuck burst into the room, but not before hearing Blair trying to talk Russell down by telling him that it's possible to get over being hurt by a Bass, and Chuck took this to heart. Earlier, at the Billiards party, Blair's mom had said "Chuck, let her go," meaning Chuck should stop toying with poor Nate's feelings, but also that he should let Blonkers be her own woman and go marry the prince of a fake country in Europes. There was no time to ruminate on all this at the moment though, because the hotel was filling up with gas and Russell was playing with his lighter, so Chuck kicked the door down and rescued Blair. Raina stormed in and made peace with her father before sending him to jail for a long time and then Raina told Nate that she's going back to Chicago (Nate pretended to be sad, but of course he wasn't, the only thing running through his head was Chuck Chuck Chuck Chuck) and now the Thorpe storyline is finally over, thank heavens. What a snoozefest! Cold case hotel intrigue. No thanks ever again, please.

Veins pulsing with adrenalin, Chuck and Blair decided to get one drink before Blair headed off to the Billiards party to meet her prince and, as anyone does when getting one last I-still-love-you-always drink, Chuck and Blair crashed some kid's bar mitzvah. Yup. Just decided to go to a bar mitzvah at the Oak Room. You know, that old goodbye technique. It was a surreal and yet oddly lovely scene, with Blair and Chuck dancing in slo-mo and, strangely considering they were strangers and there were tons of other people at the party, being lifted up into the air on chairs like it was their wedding. (It reminded me one of the few good moments in I Love You New York, a dreamy shot of the chair dance at a Jewish wedding. Probably still not worth renting the movie though.) Basically the whole thing was meant to show the swooning ecstasy of their undying love, and it sorta actually kinda worked. Done with dancing, Blair led Chuck into a room, shut the door, and then kissed him. They undressed and, presumably, did it. Just had sex at some random kid's bar mitzvah. "Hey Ari, let me show you what my bubbie got me, it's in the other room here and OH MY GOD I NOW TRULY AM A MAN." Nicely done, Bluck. (That's their portmanteau, right?) As they were leaving, Chuck handed the kid a check for $5,000 and it was the best bar mitzvah ever.

Out on the street Blair was like "Well, I guess I gotta go can it with the prince." And Chuck made a weird expression. When they got to the Billiards party Chuck sprinted ahead of Blair and told the prince that he gave them his blessing. He was doing the adult thing and letting Blair go. Blair felt sad, but it also felt like the right thing to do. They had one last conversation about how theirs was the greatest love of all and Chuck sang a few bars of "I Will Always Love You," and that was that. An oddly wistful (and likely temporary) end to their rollercoaster romance. Blair returned to her prince, laden with a small, sad secret. Will he eventually find out that Blair and Chuck knocked latkes at Jacob Feldstein's bar mitzvah? Most assuredly yes.

Over in Brooklyn, Vanessa was at the loft looking for Charlie and instead found a typed-out-on-paper novel (that's how kids are writing novels these days) called Inside, written by Dan and all about Erik's butt breaking into the Upper East Side scene and all that. She sat on the floor and is apparently the world's fastest speed reader because she finished the damn thing and then called Dan and was like "I found your novel, you need to get it published." Dan freaked out and was like "What are you doing looking through my thiiiiings! Those are my own private thiiiiings! Stop it Vanessa, stop it!!!" Then they got into a weirdly expansive argument about how Dan had changed since the show started and how Dan secretly desperately wanted to be part of the scene and Dan admitted to it and they both said hurtful things to each other and I guess it was their way of getting Jessica Szohr the hell outta there. Yup, Vanessa's decided to move to Barcelona (lucky poor girl), but not before giving Simon & Schuster publisher Jonathan Karp (such connections Vanessa has! Amazing!) a copy of Inside , with the author listed as Anonymous. Karp loved it and was like "Where do I send the money?" because that's how publishing works, and Vanessa darted off to Barcelona, confident that Dan would take credit for the book once it came out and did well and stuff. Who knows! It's basically going to be like Deconstructing Harry next season, isn't it?

And then, my friends, we basically came to the end. Everything was wrapping up tidily. Blair was off to Monaco for a glamorous Riviera summer. She and Chuck said a gracious, if sad, goodbye at van der Woodsen Ice Palace, and she and Serena were friends again, giggling at their bad jokes. And then she was gone, sailing off on a large ocean liner, the Atlantic glassy and sparkling and infinite on the horizon.

Charlie returned to Florida by bus, because it was more picturesque that way or something, and when she got there she was greeted by her mother. Only we found out that… she isn't her mother! She's some girl named Ivy that the mother hired to play the daughter so she could get her hands on those sweet, sweet blank trust fund checks! Lily's sister is a huckster! A flimflam woman! A grifter and a cheat! And so is Charlie/Ivy! She'd deliberately made those pills easy to find and we were fools for making fun of that. (Sorry, writers!) The sister was all "You sure your normal life is going to measure up now that you've gotten a taste of sweet Big Apple pie?" Charlie/Ivy said yes but there was a gleam in her eye that said no. She looked in her bag (which had a secret set of trust fund checks in it) and took out Georgina's number. Oh yeah, Georgina gave her her number back at the party, feeling a schemer's bond between them. So Charlie/Ivy will return and wreak bland havoc next year, I presume.

Serena headed off to live with her aunt in Montecito for the summer, where she planned to stroll lazily by the beach and find herself. And run into some cute movie assistant guy (he was the guy from the 10 Things I Hate About You show, yes?) who was having trouble reading an F. Scott Fitzgerald book. She was all "I love that book," because Serena has always seemed like such an avid reader, and then all of a sudden David O. Russell walked up (seriously) and was like "Hey kid, did you read the book? We have the big movie meeting in a few minutes!" The kid stammered and stuttered like Dan watching Erik eat a banana and Serena was like "I read it! It's good!" and so David O. Russell offered her a movie job. Seriously. It was an extremely weird scene and sets up, what, exactly? A movie career plot for Serena? Who knows. Who will ever know.

Back in New York, Chuck was feeling all sad about Blair so Nate tried to cheer him up by bringing over a globe and saying "Spin it and point to a random spot and we'll go there and slowly make our way back here. Just two bachelors on the road. It'll be great." Chuck did it, spun the globe and traced it lazily with his finger, arbitrarily stopping somewhere that looked like eastern Siberia. Good choice, Chuck! Ian Frazier would be proud. The two boys smiled at each other and poured another drink and the sun shone in through the window and for a brief moment it looked as though they were on fire with possibility, two young men burning bright and big and so full of light they might glow like that forever.

And that, I guess, leaves us with Dan. Or it leaves us with Erik. Or it leaves us with both. Dan has decided he'd like to spend the summer out in the van der Hamptons house, just get out of the city and clear his head, as Rufus tells him it's going to be empty all summer. With a curious twinkling dance in his eye, Dan said "Hey Erik, want to come with? We could be each other's wingmen, like Nate and Chuck. Break up a few couples." Was that code? "Each other's wingmen"? "Like Nate and Chuck"? I have to believe it was. And I have to believe Erik knew it was when he gave Dan a small, happy smile and said "Yeah, let's go. Let's do it."

Toward the end of the episode there was a fun reveal that Erik is going to Sarah Lawrence in the fall, because of course Erik is going to Sarah Lawrence in the fall. He'll be headed up to Bronxville where he'll meet plenty of queers and weirdos and artists and other assorted folk, and though it is close, it will feel a million miles away from all of this. He's stepping off into the unknowable future, almost into the sad and curious world of grownups, and he barely even knows it.

At least there is first this, this summer, this gauzy idyll with Dan. The two of them playing house, eating waffles, lounging nude by the pool, feeding each other cherries, the blood-red juice dribbling down their chins until it is caught by the other's tongue. Long nights of getting tangled in the sheets, longer days of lying on the grass, Dan reading aloud from a book, Erik resting his head on Dan's chest and feeling the warm thrum of his heart. The sun lemony and cozy above them, a soft green breeze whispering through the yard. In the years after, in the many years after, Erik will look back on these few months as perhaps his happiest ever. A time when two people disappeared into each other and created their own universe together. When a house and a person was enough. When the world was simple and uncluttered and impossibly lovely. When a boy named Dan Humphrey would come bounding out of the house onto the porch, carrying a pitcher of lemonade or a bottle of wine and would stop for a brief moment, smiling as he gazed at Erik sitting and waiting, Erik seeing that Dan was as happy as he was. That he too wouldn't mind letting the rest of the world forget them forever.

But of course the world always finds us, always interferes once more. And then there is college, and then there is… life, I suppose. The rattle and clamor of wheels rolling on drowns out the rush of the ocean, the hollow song of wind chimes, the hush of hot breath on a neck. That's just what time does. It moves us along and eventually evaporates us — we are but clouds in the sky. We are merely molecules and memory, secrets and skin. As ephemeral as wishes, as fast and as fleeting as gossip.

Happy summers, everyone.

Programming Note: I have decided that this will be my last recap of this show. I feel like I've made as many jokes about these people being gay and farting as one man can make, so I think it's best to just let the rest of the tale be unknown or imagined. It's been fun! Thanks to you few remaining readers (I won't lie and say that dwindling traffic on these posts wasn't a factor in my decision) for continuing to read, and thanks to all the "Gossip Girl" people for making such a silly show that is so fun to (lovingly, really, sincerely) make fun of. If any of you are reading (I profoundly doubt you are), thank you and, of course, xoxo!