A.) Oh Nate … You’re just as confused as all the other viewers who thought Chuck punched Blair. He didn’t. He just broke some glass. Stop being so hormonal, see if Raina’s got a few birth control pills laying around that you can pop, and get back to us when you’re not PMSing.

B.) Vanessa, again? Wasn’t she wrapped up last week?

C.) An injection of Constance-Billard and St. Jude’s is exactly what these friends need to give them a little case of nostalgia and encourage them to look fondly upon old memories that will help their future endeavors. Lessons to be learned?: Nate needs to be best friends with Chuck, otherwise he is mostly cutoff from all other meaningful connections with his childhood friends; Blair belongs with Chuck; Dan is, was, and will always remain an outsider — nothing less, nothing more; Blair belongs with Chuck; Serena really did a number on her relationship with Blair by being the conniving one for once — she’s getting old for these kinds of shenanigans now that they aren’t competing for a crown within the walls of Constance and without this relationship, the one that both of them need so much, everything else will go down the tubes, because as Gossip Girl once said, “In a world ruled by bloodlines and bank accounts, it pays to have a pal. And Blair and Serena? They do best friends better than anyone”; Blair belongs with Chuck; the Jenny-sized hole at Constance will undoubtedly be hard to miss; Blair belongs with Chuck; and of course, the NJBC (Non-Judgmental Breakfast Club) needs some serious love and our core-four would do well to remember that in the end, most people return to those people who were there in the beginning — after all, the more things seem to stay the same. And I feel like I’m forgetting something … What was it? Oh right: Blair belongs with Chuck.

D.) Blair: “Like much else in your life, that apology was underwhelming.” It’s good to see Blair shooting from the hip at Serena and reminding her that it’s unwise to tango with Queen B when it comes to undermining and scheming. It just goes to show that in Monaco, her powers would be wasted, whereas on the UES, they mean so much more. Perhaps she’ll realize she already has a kingdom, and Dark Knight waiting to redeemed.

E.) Dear Raina: You just met Jack Bass for the first time. Here’s a survival guide to walk you through the next several hours. First of all, if you feel like you’re getting a headache and your brain is buzzing, this is completely normal. Your brain cells are killing themselves out of defense. Also, if you suddenly feel completely and totally dirty (and not in a good way) from the inside out, this is, again, normal. To rid yourself of this feeling, take a boiling hot bass, then three hot showers where you wash yourself with peroxide. Go to the salon, have your hair stripped of its original color, then re-died. Take some time to see a mental health professional who can properly diagnose you and see if you are fit to make sound decisions for yourself, given that you did choose to call Jack Bass willingly. Go home, take another hot shower, exfoliate, then finish off with a hot bath. Repeat this every day for ten days. Also, change your phone number. If this doesn’t work, consider the witness protection program.

F.) Jack to Nate: “Should’ve known you’d still be dining my nephew’s leftovers.” My popcorn almost came back up my nose! Oh, Jack … One positive tonight is the fact that how ever disgusting, abominable and absolutely loathsome Jack Bass remains, he can still say the most awful stuff, get away with it, and be funny, simply because he’s Jack Bass. Well done.

G.) Oh, Blair. Your fake peppy attitude and attempt to sell the Princess on your world are cute. (On the Whitney: “There’s nothing grey and angular there … except the building.” On her family and friends: “I’m sorry for the way Chuck behaved at the Royal Court. He’s out of my life for good and you can rest assured that my family and friends are nothing like him … most of the time.”) But face it, B: You love this world. You love your kingdom, you love your friends and family, the drama they create, and the power you have over them. And above all else, you love Chuck Bass — and you can change that, no more than your perkiness can change the Princess’s view of New York and you. This point is made increasingly clear when you see Jack and immediately run to Chuck — stay where you’re appreciated, B.

H.) Blair: “Louis and I are still very much engaged.” Chuck: “Then why are you here with me?” Because she loves you. She’s connected to you in ways she can’t explain and there are ties to you that she absolutely cannot sever, because you’re souls are chained. You can’t cut that. You can’t change that The way she cares for you will never die because a girl like Blair mates for life, and she has had her heart set on you for so long that it’s on autopilot. And even though she’s wearing another man’s heart on her hand, it doesn’t change any of that. She just hasn’t quite realized that yet.

I.) So, let’s lay this out … Charlie’s with Dan. Raina’s with Nate. Blair’s with Louis. The theme of tonight’s Gossip Girl is Sloppy Seconds … And from the look on Serena’s face when she heard Charlie was Dan’s date for the gala, she just found out. Don’t worry, S — we’re just as appalled.

J.) Blair: “I’m risking my well-being to tell you your uncle Jack is in town.” She’d risk anything for Chuck — and this just goes to show that no crown can separate she and her loyalty from the Empire that she was born to reign in NYC.

K.) Blair: “I just came to warn you, so you could prepare for whatever it is Jack has planning. Chuck: “And how will I ever prepare for what you’re planning?” Ouch. My heart hurts a little from hearing that. And from the look in B’s eyes, it hurt her a lot. Stand by your man, B! These dreams, this sense of duty, this intuition … They all mean something!

L.) Hey, Louis — GET OUT OF THAT LIMO AND STOP SPYING ON BLAIR. Follow her if you must, but pick another vehicle of choice. A Town Car, or a cab, or a carriage, or a pedicab, or a bicycle, or for all I care, pack mule … There is only one modern day royal allowed to spy on Blair from a limo, and you aren’t it. (Writers: THIS OFFENDS ME.)

M.) Careful Russell … As Gossip Girl once reminded B, if you make a deal with the Devil, he’ll always come to collect. You have no idea what you just inked your name to in shaking Jack’s hand, but it’s worth mentioning that with Jack Bass, it’s either sink or swim, and there’s no middle ground. Jack washed up in Australia more than once, and you may want to have a private island secured, along with a scuba mask and supply of oxygen.

N.) Uh oh. Looks like Charlie is ready to bring a whole new brand of crazy to the Upper East Side. It would appear that Lily’s trash can is going to have a very stable mood, though. Prediction: CeCe’s grandchildren will be three-for-three with stays at the Ostroff Center. Is she getting a cut of their profits? She really should look into that. At the very least, the family should get like a 2-for-1 deal, right?

O.) What’s with the dresses that look like they’ve been shredded by a cat? You’ve got better style sense, B. Use it!

P.) Chuck: “Your Highness. Forgive me if I’m too busy to bow.” Put pathetic prince in his place, Chuck.

Q.) Prince Louis: “I don’t appreciate your sarcasm, or for that matter, anything else about you.” If you don’t appreciate those things about Chuck, how can you truly appreciate Blair and her wit and intellect? They hold these things in common. And Chuck is a part of who she is, whether or not ‘His Highness’ appreciates it — and if he isn’t willing to worship her regardless, then he is absolutely not fit to be Queen B’s prince.

R.) Chuck: “Maybe your fiancee’s pursuing me.” Louis: “I highly doubt that.” Then you’re delusional, Louis. His tired act of trying to make Blair look all blameless and lily-white is getting old.

S.) Chuck: “If you can’t trust Blair to tell you the truth, you’ve got bigger problems than me.” Absolutely — couldn’t have said it better myself. Also, this gem from Chuck: “All I’ll say is get used to it. Blair is nothing without her secrets.” Also, if you can’t trust your instincts to know when Blair is lying to you, then you’ve got even bigger problems. But then I guess we couldn’t expect Prince Louis to know Blair that well, could we? After all, he’s no Chuck Bass. Keep rubbing salt in the Prince’s wounds, Chuck … Hopefully he’ll run away screaming if Blair doesn’t run back to you first.

T.) Prince Louis: “What did you do to your hand?” Chuck: “It will heal with time. Unlike you, who’s facing a lifetime doubting Blair.” Chuckles! When did you get so potent, and deep, and wise? In that line, I felt bad for you, understood the double entendre, felt like he really spoke some wisdom to Louis, and managed to burn him all at once.

U.) Leave it to Cyrus to be the only one who could charm Princess Sofie. Between Cyrus’s constant positive attitude, his fake naivete that would suggest he isn’t worldly (when he really is), and his deep desire to connect with anyone, he managed to charm the snake into submission. I might not like Sofie or Louis, but I can always appreciate Cyrus. You know what else I appreciate? Blair saying she loved Cyrus at first sight, and Eleanor shooting back with a “No, ya didn’t.” Way to not let your daughter lose herself to this, Eleanor — we love her too much, as is.

V.) Blair is committed to avian welfare because she fed the ducks bread? Who knew?

W.) This champagne toast is for the wrong couple.

X.) Oh Chuck … I’m all for having a good time, but we’ve done a little too much of the drinking Scotch alone, haven’t we now? It never turns out good.

Y.) Jack Bass returns to the UES to prove once again that no one knows how to twist the knife in Chuck’s back quite the way that he does.

Z.) How is it that that old building still looks like an upgrade from the Humphrey’s loft?

AA.) Blair: “I know I shouldn’t care. But I’m worried about him.” That’s your heart talking, B. Go sign Chuck out of rehab!

BB.) Louis makes a great point: Everything Blair said to Chuck in her visits and her reasons were noble. The reason she didn’t tell Louis, though, is because it wasn’t just nobility that pulled her in — it was her heartstrings, too.

CC.) Look how quickly Blair rolls over, ready to offer up her diamond ring and her bid for royalty over Chuck and her “dark side.” That speaks volumes.

DD.) Blair: “Maybe if we don’t talk about them, they’ll just go away.” Unlikely. One of them have a living, beating heart with your name on it. And that doesn’t just go away, especially since it still means something to you.

EE.) I feel like Louis setting an ultimatum for Blair and basically stepping on to her turf, her event that she has every right and reason to be at, and that he, without her, has no reason to be at, is one step way, way too far. Who is he, issuing orders to Queen B like that? Set an ultimatum, fine. At an event even, fine. But don’t steal her thunder at an event that she should be at with her oldest friends and peers — that’s not okay.

FF.) Nate and Jack and Chuck? In cahoots together? OMG. OMG. OMG. I have to say, I never effing saw this coming.

GG.) Chuck, as he walks in with Nate and Jack in tow, calling it, “Divine intervention, if you consider Satan divine,” as he nods at Jack. Then Jack comes up with, “You did get in one good punch,” and Chuck agrees, “It was a long time coming. And then Nate says Jack reached out to him, and Jack confesses that, “As much as I love to screw with my nephew, you’re using me to do it, just didn’t sit right.” And when those security personnel were ready and waiting in the elevator for Russell as he tried to walk away … Man. This was a moment that made me remember why I love Gossip Girl. I didn’t expect it, it almost sort of made Jack a little less creepy (only a little), but it was fitting for the characters and their environment.

HH.) Bart Bass DID NOT KILL Avery Thorpe. Russell did. Bart Bass is redeemed. Chuck can stop worrying about his father’s legacy being tarnished and defending get back to himself — and get back his girl! REDEEM CHUCK BASS!

II.) Okay, I’m all for the viewing and I am very pro-Bart Bass redemption. But are we actually supposed to believe that a video tape from 1980-something has that high a quality?

JJ.) Also … Dan made it very obvious during his short tenure at W that he’d learned a thing or two about women’s shoes from dating Serena Van der Woodsen, at least enough to know the difference between brands. But yet he didn’t recognize the dress? Both of these scenarios are slightly unbelievable, given that it is much more likely that he’d remember the dress from that moment, especially since he’s committed to memory and paper every single detail from his time with Serena. Yet he manages to skirt past them when he’s chasing after other girls — like Georgina or now, Charlie.

KK.) Jack: “Can we just call the cops? I’m hungry, and all you seem to have are olives and hallucinogenic mushrooms.” Line of the night, hands down. And then, as all the important events are continuing to unfold before Chuck in his living room, Jack pops back up with: “Unless we’re close to the end of this sob story, I’m gonna order room service.” And as if that weren’t funny enough, Jack storms back in with the room service menu and says, “I can’t choose my entree with Hallmark Hall-of-Fame playing in the background. I’m calling the cops.” That’s our Jack Bass, always happy to provide insight into the bigger picture.

LL.) Jack: “Girls, can we at least get my plane fare home out of this?” I’m kind of with Jack. Feed Russell to the cops. Get the monkey off your back and make him pay for what he did to Raina. He should have to own up to it, and Chuck of all people, given what he went through with his mother, should know that Raina deserves the truth, however boring and absolutely skill-less at scheming she may be.

MM.) The exchange between Blair and Cyrus, along with Blair’s admission that Chuck loved all her dark places was beautiful.

NN.) I knew Nate wasn’t going to be able to hold that secret in. Let us pray that all his good instincts to help Chuck today weren’t for naught.

OO.) Congratuations, Rufus! You have officially been minimized to a garbage picker who knows said garbage so well that he would notice a new and empty pill bottle, with its contents scattered inside. Last week, you were Jeeves. This week, you’re the pharmaceutical janitor. Just be glad you aren’t a drug mule, a your two stepchildren and biological daughter all were. Silver lining?

PP.) Chuck: “On that note, I’m gonna cut this reunion short before the nice guy actually wins.” Amen, Chuck!

QQ.) Yea, Dan, Queller’s a good reason not to have sex on the desk with the girl who wants to be called by her cousin/your ex-girlfriend’s name? How about you just say, “I’ve had enough crazy,” and call it like it is? And writers … why?

RR.) Blair: “Have you seen a prince? Yes, I am engaged to him, and you should be green with envy, but I don’t have time to make you wallow in it because I have to take this call.” That’s the B we know and love — too bad she’s engaged to the wrong prince.

SS.) Blair just trusted the absolutely wrong girl. A word of wisdom, Blair? Never trust a girl whose name you haven’t even committed to memory. And also … Way to rush to Chuck’s side and not really care who knows it!

TT.) Oh no, Russell … Oh no. That promo … Oh no.